ConfusedHonesty

Be strong.  You can't because the world seems so against you. People are in there just tearing you down.  You have to be strong, in the perfect of ways for your kids... Just keep trying, keep working, and keep going.   All you can do is do your best, and be strong.  Stay focused.  You can do this.  You can raise your kids to be the best they can be.  

Be okay with how he doesn't want you anymore. It's not personal.   He doesn't respect you at all.   He treats you like trash and worse and worse by the day.  He doesn't care and never will.  His ability to hurt you is out of this world.  His ability to not know how much he has hurt you is unreal.  Who he was, how he was wasn't at all reality.  He doesn't care and never will.   Your gift to yourself for your birthday is not letting him in your life again.  On your 33rd birthday, you had that moment and decision.  You will no longer allow others to treat you bad.  But there I was 3 years later, on your 36th birthday, you spent your birthday crying all day.  So at age 37, you will get yourself up, stand up, and just love yourself again.  He asked to take me out today and tomorrow.  Following horrible treatment, constant hanging up, invalidating any of my feelings, treating me less than a sexual object over the phone... ...

My whole life I was always pleasing others, serving others, and making others feel good & loved.  I didn't mind, I was conditioned to just not mind.  Conditioned to just be a "good girl."  Do right by people, and assumed they'd love me back the same way.  Feeling like I have an abundant amount of love to give, just in hopes to be loved the same way back!  I was doing it all wrong, I was giving and pouring myself out my whole life into the wrong people.  

He asked me to block him repeatedly, but all while saying he loves me and how impossible I am.  Complete crazy making gaslighting and manipulation!  So many versions of crazy making accusing me of the exact things he does and has done to me, as he does it!  Blamed me for his stress and being so-called hurt, all while ignoring me and putting me down.  So I finally did.  He said I bring him stress, hurt him, and was so negative to me.  So I blocked him!!  Even though I am in my mid 30's, I've only had a divorce as a break-up.  So this has been eye-opening and absolutely heartbreaking! 

 I thought I found my guy and that was it.  We have a family, and we live happily ever after.   But instead, it was pure hell for years and years.  My first bad relationship was with my own family, and I got out just enough to make into a bad marriage with an abusive man.  Then even after I made it out, I got love bombed by a felon who was on probation.  If that was how he was described as maybe I wouldn't have believed everything, but what he showed me for so so long was a whole different man than the man he truly was.  He became more abusive than my ex-husband in a very short time, while one took over a decade, this one took just under three years to become so clear.   After over 35 years, I choose me.  I choose my happiness and my children's happiness.  No more.    So today, I marry myself.  Never will I let someone take over me and put me down like my whole life... 

He just TOLD you, clear as day.  No runaround with words, zero confusion on what to think or what to hear.  Said to you, in text AND words leave him alone, and don't talk.  He said he KNEW that this is ending if he keeps this up.  And he kept up with it the whole time.  He even told you the TIME IS UP when you begged for just ten minutes of his time to talk, and told you he is hanging up, and he DID hang up on you, making it NORMAL, the NOT normal, normal!!! So you see, how they break you down?  And sAY, he didn't mean it, he didn't understand it, he didn't say it right, he didn't intend for it...  Does it make it okay???  Can someone really be messed up to your face, break so many boundaries you wouldn't ever allowed in the past, but then take it back playing Mr. Sweet again?!?!?  HELLOOOOOOO Bill remember that guy? He was a sad gentle guy who loved you, and devoted family guy, that would never harm you because you were so special. Remember!...

He told me today that I'm sexy and should be confident.  And to get this..to "dress the part too."  Told me to never say Im dressed bummy again.  Wow, so he does listen!  I say that when I'm in a rush to get out of my home to meet him.  I'm a single mom of 3 kids, and managed to squeeze some time for him, and that's what I get!?  What's the worst part?  I don't dress bad at all when I do make it out, it's a thing many people say so they can downplay how they look, but obviously put effort.  The same way some people say "sorry for the mess," in a an obviously clean home.   He also looked me up and down for the first time on that date day, and said to me "is that the same stuff you had on yesterday?" and pinched at my top, and said nothing more.   I should mention he himself hadn't changed from earlier in the morning, still in last night's outfit, which included loosely fit dark jeans, he felt high quality in because it ha...