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9 9 22 making peace with what is not what was or what was supposed to be

You say you loved me and made love to me.  You held my hand as we walked, kissed my forehead, and hugged me.  And then the week started and the texts were so far apart, I barely remember even having one complete sentence exchanged.   Then the weekend came, and a whole week later, you turned your phone off in the early evening and shut me out.   We had this great romantic past, where it was life forever, but now we are just THAT..that one maybe physical experience when at your convenience.   But even that isn't valued enough for you to not hurt me, and give me the minimum.  There was actually no need to block me or whatever he truly did.  He'll have a need for his phone again, and now we see he turns on Airplane mode at his convenience anyway.   He isn't friends with me, so he must have a friend or two he's much closer than he is with me at this point. Not real close, but narcissistic close.  And he already shared how he has a Playstation game console that he had a girl
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Ask Yourself What You Want 8/31/22

What do I want? I want a job where I can feel good going to!  Where I am valued and appreciated for what I bring to the company.   I want meaningful relationships.  I want a relationship where I can just be myself and be accepted, and have fun.  I am not looking for a father for my kids.  A good company to me would be sufficient.  Now, am I willing to go younger?  Or older? Do I realize that everyone has slept around, and that's seen casually these days?  No one commits or has loyalty they keep...  I want friends for my kids, but how? I get lonely, but I think I can be fine without friends for the most part.  Even though, we as humans, need people.  
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Be Strong and Believe in Yourself... Stay Focused.

Be strong.  You can't because the world seems so against you. People are in there just tearing you down.  You have to be strong, in the perfect of ways for your kids... Just keep trying, keep working, and keep going.   All you can do is do your best, and be strong.  Stay focused.  You can do this.  You can raise your kids to be the best they can be.  
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It's okay to realize they're narcissists and let go..love you...

Be okay with how he doesn't want you anymore. It's not personal.   He doesn't respect you at all.   He treats you like trash and worse and worse by the day.  He doesn't care and never will.  His ability to hurt you is out of this world.  His ability to not know how much he has hurt you is unreal.  Who he was, how he was wasn't at all reality.  He doesn't care and never will.   Your gift to yourself for your birthday is not letting him in your life again.  On your 33rd birthday, you had that moment and decision.  You will no longer allow others to treat you bad.  But there I was 3 years later, on your 36th birthday, you spent your birthday crying all day.  So at age 37, you will get yourself up, stand up, and just love yourself again.  He asked to take me out today and tomorrow.  Following horrible treatment, constant hanging up, invalidating any of my feelings, treating me less than a sexual object over the phone...  All he truly did was validate how the past hi
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All the LOVE You Have to Give - Give it to Yourself

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My whole life I was always pleasing others, serving others, and making others feel good & loved.  I didn't mind, I was conditioned to just not mind.  Conditioned to just be a "good girl."  Do right by people, and assumed they'd love me back the same way.  Feeling like I have an abundant amount of love to give, just in hopes to be loved the same way back!  I was doing it all wrong, I was giving and pouring myself out my whole life into the wrong people.  
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I Blocked Him

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He asked me to block him repeatedly, but all while saying he loves me and how impossible I am.  Complete crazy making gaslighting and manipulation!  So many versions of crazy making accusing me of the exact things he does and has done to me, as he does it!  Blamed me for his stress and being so-called hurt, all while ignoring me and putting me down.  So I finally did.  He said I bring him stress, hurt him, and was so negative to me.  So I blocked him!!  Even though I am in my mid 30's, I've only had a divorce as a break-up.  So this has been eye-opening and absolutely heartbreaking! 
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I Marry Me Today - Goodbye to What was Supposed to-be...

 I thought I found my guy and that was it.  We have a family, and we live happily ever after.   But instead, it was pure hell for years and years.  My first bad relationship was with my own family, and I got out just enough to make into a bad marriage with an abusive man.  Then even after I made it out, I got love bombed by a felon who was on probation.  If that was how he was described as maybe I wouldn't have believed everything, but what he showed me for so so long was a whole different man than the man he truly was.  He became more abusive than my ex-husband in a very short time, while one took over a decade, this one took just under three years to become so clear.   After over 35 years, I choose me.  I choose my happiness and my children's happiness.  No more.    So today, I marry myself.  Never will I let someone take over me and put me down like my whole life... 
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