9 9 22 making peace with what is not what was or what was supposed to be

You say you loved me and made love to me. 

You held my hand as we walked, kissed my forehead, and hugged me. 

And then the week started and the texts were so far apart, I barely remember even having one complete sentence exchanged.  

Then the weekend came, and a whole week later, you turned your phone off in the early evening and shut me out.  

We had this great romantic past, where it was life forever, but now we are just THAT..that one maybe physical experience when at your convenience.  

But even that isn't valued enough for you to not hurt me, and give me the minimum.  There was actually no need to block me or whatever he truly did.  He'll have a need for his phone again, and now we see he turns on Airplane mode at his convenience anyway.  

He isn't friends with me, so he must have a friend or two he's much closer than he is with me at this point. Not real close, but narcissistic close.  And he already shared how he has a Playstation game console that he had a girl from work get for him and everything one day too.   At this point, the Alex I was in a relationship with is gone forever.  And there's the glimpse and comfort of little bits of him, but that's it.  

I told him how I have to go to the doctor for blood work, many times, and not once did he ask why.  

It's sad but also it's okay.  He is a narcissist and he doesn't truly care.  Anything he was, wasn't real.  I'm okay with that, but there was and is this strange comfort in having him in my life that was.  I thought we could be friends at the least.  But I started getting upset with him because he didn't say goodnight to me, and then he didn't text me again after work or care about me being upset.  I forgot we aren't a couple that way.    

Just went through a whirlwind of feelings, and decided completely that I'm okay with it all.  He can block me, turn his phone off and I'm going to choose not to be hurt by it.  He never promised, in this lifetime that he will ever be kind and loving to me.  He actually never has.  The most was that he said he loved me a bunch of times last time we were together.  But he isn't the sweet man he was in my mind, he didn't include a note on the gift he got me on my birthday, there was nothing on the anniversary.  We aren't really together at all, and that's okay.  We have one life to live and I'm okay with choosing not to get hurt by another man's inability to love or care.  I will control my feelings and emotions.  His words, lack of words, and all will not hurt me.  He can be with someone else, he can just be lying around getting high with someone, and he can be doing all that and then more.  He isn't mine.  No one belongs to me, and I don't belong to anyone.  I deserve to experience life and all it's joys, just as much as I deal with the stresses daily.  If I can learn to experience the pleasures, while not getting attached, that's my gift to myself.  

I know I can!  I know I will!  I'll keep him as a friend and not get attached.  He doesn't claim me or my time much so I know I can!  He leaves me alone, literally in every single way for months at a time, so why couldn't I do this!?!?  

Everything you were dying to hold onto is over now anyway!  You wanted to believe in this fairytale of a life he drew up and pretended to be.  I'm over the heartbreak of it.  He is who he is!  He is a drug addict, he is a cheater, he is a liar, he is a thief, he is a gambling addict, and he is a broken person.  

If life didn't break him, he was the potential for the most awesome partner in life.  But he already came to me broken with glimpses of what he could've been if things went differently in his life.

I'm the most loyal person I've ever known, I also keep it so real.  With that said, even I would have started an outside relationship if the guys that approached me were worthwhile and fun in any way.